My Full Heart

I know that everyone is sick and tired of talking about the quarantine, so let's talk about where we all stand with our kids right now. Are we all pretty much on the same page that it is a free for all at this point?

I look back to the kind of mom that I was before the quarantine, and I can honestly say that I wasn't the mom that I wanted to be. Am I now? Still no. Are we ever? I'm not sure, but I do know that I took so many little moments for granted. Like enjoying a cup of hot coffee after dropping the kids off at school. Meeting friends for breakfast. Walking around Chapters and just browsing, when I had time of course. Remember those days? I look at the kind of 'fuck it' attitude everyone has now and wonder why we put so much pressure on ourselves before our worlds changed. Now we hear so often supportive things like "who cares what is for dinner, as long as they are fed", "missing a few months of school will not delay their learning", and "we have no bedtime schedule in quarantine". Why did we always seem to judge each other on our different parenting techniques before life changed? Why did we all have an opinions on what time the kids went to bed, or making sure that they do 30 minutes of reading each day? Is routine good for kids? Obviously, hell I am sure that parents would benefit from it too, but if there is something that moms are good at, it is flying by the seat of our pants. Am I talking about cake for breakfast everyday? No. But I am talking about taking the most convenient route for your family. Don't ever feel bad, or make someone else feel bad for that because it isn't what you do.

We went to my parents 4 days last week so that the kids could go in the pool for almost 5 hours everyday. We have never been there that much in a week, ever. I think it's because before I tried to give the kids this routine that I thought they needed everyday, when the reality is that they just need some structure, and parents who love them. I watched them just laugh and play, and yes there was a few time-outs (isn't there always?), but it was definitely worth it. The kids have had so many damn desserts after dinner already this summer and guess what my 5 year old said to me the other day "mom I promise I will finish my chicken if I can have a popsicle?" Yep. I will take it as a parenting win. We live in a world where we judge people for so much, the last thing that we need to be judging each other for is how to love their children, because isn't that what we are all doing? Love doesn't always look the same between adults, so why would we expect for it to look the same with all of our children?

Speaking of my 5 year old, she is the family baby. She is my second, and if you have 2+ kids you know that the 2nd is your wild child. Layton tests me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. When your mother warns you about your 'payback' child, trust me, it will come. I was talking with a friend last week about how I felt guilty at the end of almost everyday, shedding lots of tears over situations that I wish I handled differently. I said that I felt drained all the time from dealing with Layton that I felt that I didn't give Issy enough positive attention, and that feeling is heart breaking. She said that she struggled with this too. It is so nice to have people that you can vent to, that understand what you are going through. If you don't, reach out, no one should have to face the turmoils of motherhood alone. I have a friend who is due in a couple weeks with her second, and she asked me what it was like and I couldn't help but lie to her and say "amazing". Don't fall off of your chair. Motherhood is amazing, but it isn't always. It is exhausting, using all of your energy to keep a tiny human alive, let alone 2, or more. I had my 2 girls 15 months apart. When I tell most people this they say "oh wow", yes. I know. I lived it. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to have the girls grow up close. But in saying that, it also was very hard because Issy didn't always have my attention for the things that I wish she did because I was too busy with Layton who was colic, cue another "oh wow". I'm sure that mothers of multiples will understand this feeling with a heavy heart. I remember crying to an old friend when I was pregnant with Layton and I asked her, "can you love your second child as much as you love your first", she told me that I would soon learn it was different. It is funny because I remember thinking 'what and the hell is she talking about' and as soon as I had Layton I understood what she meant. It is not that you won't love them as much, but you will love them in a different way. Issy made me a mother, I never knew I could love someone as much as I did her, until I had Layton, and then I fell in love all over again for different amazing reasons. I laugh when I think back to always asking my parents "who is your favourite child" because I'm sure my mother feels the same way I do, I love all of our kids for different reasons, and they all have my full heart.

Pour a glass of wine mama, you're doing great.