Fill Your Bucket

It always takes awhile to get back into the swing of things after the holidays. I keep seeing meme's that say it feels like January 245th and I'm sure that we all can agree January drags on forever. As a working mom, I always feel so much guilt over the holidays, especially being someone who does shift work.

The kids are usually understanding of when I have to work, but I miss a lot of opportunities with the kids. I had Christmas Day off, but I was working 10/14 days that the kids had off. We were very lucky this year that Dan was home a lot over the holidays, they really enjoyed this time because Dan works a lot too, and kids always seem to have more fun when they do things with Dad instead.

One day over the break, Issy had a meltdown when I was going to work one night, and she knew that I had to go, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't shed a tear on my 3 minute drive to work. I felt guilty that I enjoy my job, I felt guilty that I miss a lot of bedtimes, and school drops offs. I remember once a few months ago, LJ was upset with me, and she yelled “just go to work like you always do”. This hit me hard, like a blow to the chest. My stomach turned and I felt like I had failed my kids. No matter how hard I have tried, I always feel like I’m messing something up in the kids life. Lately, I feel like if you feel like you have it all together, you aren’t doing motherhood right. I used to be happy about just having the kids fed and in bed on time, but now as they are getting older, the guilt gets stronger. I always thought that it would work the opposite, sadly that is not the case. I feel bad when they miss a friends birthday party, or when they can’t have a playdate with the neighbour. I was thinking about this mom guilt thing pretty hard the other day, and I thought, is the guilt masking the anxiety?

Before we dip into that, let’s take it back to when the kids were very young. I have mentioned many times that I had really bad postpartum anxiety and depression with both of my girls. It took me a long time to feel like myself again. Although I think that when we go through something traumatic, or when we become mothers, we can never go back to who we “were”, we are just growing into who we were meant to be. I genuinely think that you can evolve ‘who you are’ multiple times throughout your life. I started to see that I was very anxious about my guilt, and it was over taking me. Anxiety is a weird thing. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy. I’m probably the happiest I’ve been, and I still get anxious and overthink things all the time. But I know my limits and I know when I need to check myself, before it gets too bad. I’m not an expert but here are some things that help me when I am feeling overwhelmed. I go for a run/workout/walk. I will call or text one of my best friends. I will have a bath. I will have a glass of wine. I will cuddle my dog, and just let me say that animals are such good free therapy, they can always tell when you need them. All of these things are just different ways that I use to cope, and I am also considering going to go back to therapy. Michelle Obama once said "if I had all the money in the world I would pay for every single woman to go to therapy." I used to see a therapist, twice a week, for just over a year, right when I knew I could no longer struggle in silence anymore. It was one of the best things that I ever did, and although I’m not nearly close to that point, I don’t think that you need to be in a dark place to go to therapy, and I think its really important that mothers and women know that and get the support and encouragement that they need.

I also am a strong believer in self care. It can be whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. For me, its getting my nails done and enjoying a glass of wine in the bath when I can. It differs for every person. One form of self care isn’t better than another, and I’m sure I’ve seen different meme’s about “self care not only being making yourself beautiful”, it might be to some people. Hell, if I want to get my lashes done to cut time out of my day AND to feel good about myself, there is nothing wrong with that, and it would count as taking care of myself, which is always important. You cannot take care of others, without taking care of yourself.

One day Issy and I were talking about things that make us feel sad and what things make us happy. She told me about what she was taught at school that week and it was about our buckets. She said to me “mom, it empties my bucket when you have to to things without us.” She told me that we all have invisible buckets over our heads and that when we are happy or someone does or says something nice to or for us, our bucket fills up. And that when we are sad, or someone says something or does something that hurts us our bucket empties. I remember thinking to myself what an emotional and strong girl she is, just like her mama. Isn't it crazy what our kids can teach us when we just listen to them?

Being a mom is hard, hell, being a woman is hard. But if there’s one thing that I have learned, from my wise 5 year old, it is that whatever makes you happy, and “fills your bucket”, do it. Life is too short.